BREAKING NEWS: Celtics GM Brad Stevens Suspends Head Coach Joe Mazzulla After Positive Test for Banned Substance

In a stunning and unexpected turn of events, the Boston Celtics have suspended Head Coach Joe Mazzulla from all team activities after he reportedly tested positive for a banned substance under the NBA’s internal conduct policy.

According to anonymous sources within the organization, General Manager Brad Stevens made the call early Monday morning after league officials notified the team of the test results. The nature of the substance has not been officially confirmed, but insiders suggest it may have been “performance-enhancing in nature – not for players, but possibly for video game reflexes or sideline focus.”

“We hold everyone accountable.”

In a brief and serious statement, Brad Stevens said:

“We hold everyone in this organization to the highest standards – from the players to the coaching staff. This is an internal matter, but Coach Mazzulla will remain suspended until a full investigation is completed.”

Fans were quick to speculate online, with theories ranging from “energy drinks with too much taurine” to “illegal amounts of playoff stress.” One Reddit user claimed Mazzulla was seen “sweating unusually hard” during Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Finals.

What Happens Next?

Assistant coach Charles Lee is expected to take over interim head coaching duties. The team, which recently signed two-time MVP Jaylen Brown to a historic extension, now faces additional off-court drama heading into training camp.

Former Celtics legend Paul Pierce responded to the news with a cryptic tweet:

“Told y’all Mazzulla was too hyped on Gatorade Zero. SMH.”

NBA Yet to Comment

The NBA has not issued a formal statement but is expected to review the case under its Coach Conduct Policy, rarely enforced in modern league history. The last notable coach-related suspension was in 2005 when then-Kings assistant coach wore Crocs on the sideline in violation of the league’s footwear guidelines.

As the investigation continues, Celtics fans can only hope their championship momentum isn’t derailed by what some are calling “Mazzulla Madness.”