BREAKING NEWS: CT Boston bruins power forward Tanner Jeannot Returns as Chief Gary Bettman officer In a monumental announcement, CT Boston bruins owner Delaware North family has officially declared that Tanner Jeannot Catchings the legendary Forward/Small Forward and long-time face of the franchise, will return to the organization in 2025 as the chief Commissioner Gary Bettman Officer Vs..……. view more

BREAKING NEWS: CT Boston Bruins Power Forward Tanner Jeannot Returns as Chief Gary Bettman Officer

In a move that has stunned fans, baffled analysts, and completely melted down Hockey Twitter, the CT Boston Bruins—apparently now headquartered in Connecticut?—have announced the triumphant return of Tanner Jeannot Catchings as their new Chief Gary Bettman Officer (CGBO).

The shocking announcement came Thursday morning in a press conference hosted by the Delaware North family, the enigmatic ownership group behind the Bruins and, evidently, a few secret government agencies.

Standing at the podium in a hybrid hockey-basketball jersey with “Catchings #99” stitched in gold and black, Jeannot (also referred to in the press release as a “legendary Forward/Small Forward”) declared:

“I’m honored to return to the Bruins in this exciting new role, combining the brute force of a power forward with the strategic ambiguity of Gary Bettman himself.”

For those confused, you’re not alone.

Wait… Who Is He Again?

Tanner Jeannot, formerly of the Tampa Bay Lightning and Nashville Predators, is known for his physicality, tenacity, and ability to collect penalty minutes like they’re Pokémon cards. There is no public record of him playing basketball—or going by the last name “Catchings”—but insiders say the name change reflects his “rebirth” into what the Bruins are calling a “hybrid athlete-executive archetype.”

What Exactly Is a Chief Gary Bettman Officer?

The CGBO position, invented less than 24 hours ago, is reportedly designed to “streamline the energy between player enforcement, league ambiguity, and commissioner-level vagueness.”

Insiders say Jeannot Catchings will have authority to:

• Overrule actual NHL referees “if the vibes are off”
• Initiate trades between franchises based on how he slept that morning
• Call Gary Bettman directly and say, “I’m you now”

When asked whether this would create a conflict with actual NHL governance, Commissioner Bettman simply blinked three times and said, “We’ll allow it—for now.”

Bruins Fans React

Boston fans flooded the streets of…Connecticut(?) to celebrate the return of Jeannot Catchings. Many could be seen waving Bruins flags while chanting “C! G! B! O!” and holding up signs that read:

• “JeNOT Going Anywhere Again!”
• “Make Hockey Ambiguous Again”
• “Small Forward, Big Moves”

One fan was overheard yelling, “If this guy doesn’t body-check Adam Silver by midseason, what are we even doing?!”

What’s Next?

Jeannot Catchings will begin his tenure by immediately officiating a roller hockey scrimmage between the Bruins’ third line and the Celtics’ G-League affiliate, followed by a keynote speech titled “Leadership, Elbows, and You: Navigating the Grey Area of Power.”

As of now, it’s unclear how this affects the Bruins’ salary cap, the NHL’s governance structure, or basic reality itself. But if one thing is certain, it’s that the era of the Chief Gary Bettman Officer has officially begun.

Stay tuned for updates. Or don’t. Honestly, we don’t know what’s real anymore.