TOUCH DOWN FEW MINUTES AGO: Edmonton oilers Center play Connor McDavid has been suspended indefinitely from sports as he tested positive of…….. read more

TOUCH DOWN FEW MINUTES AGO: Edmonton Oilers Center Connor McDavid Suspended Indefinitely After Testing Positive for… Being Too Good at Hockey

In a shocking turn of events, Edmonton Oilers superstar Connor McDavid has been suspended indefinitely from the NHL—not for performance-enhancing drugs or misconduct, but for testing off the charts in pure, unadulterated hockey greatness.

Sources close to the league say the 28-year-old center underwent routine testing this morning and came back with results “so elite, so unfair, that it violates the Geneva Convention of Competitive Balance.”

“This isn’t about illegal substances,” said one anonymous NHL executive. “It’s about protecting the rest of the league from total domination. What he did to defenders last season—well, frankly, it’s just not humane.”

The test, which was originally intended to measure standard athletic metrics, allegedly had to be shut down mid-process when McDavid’s results began causing the lab equipment to smoke. One technician had to be treated for emotional whiplash after reviewing his highlight reel.

McDavid’s lawyer has released a statement on his behalf, saying:

“Connor pleads guilty—to being ridiculously fast, impossibly skilled, and humbly Canadian. We ask the league to consider reinstating him, perhaps with ankle weights or a one-handed stick.”

NHL fans, particularly those in Toronto and Calgary, are celebrating the news, citing long-standing fatigue from being posterized every time McDavid touches the puck.

However, Oilers head coach Kris Knoblauch is not amused.

“If Connor’s suspended for being too good, then what’s next? Are we suspending Leon Draisaitl for being a German cyborg?”

Meanwhile, the Oilers are petitioning the league to allow McDavid to at least play on weekends, or during full moons, when his power is slightly less dangerous.

As of now, McDavid has been seen skating alone on a frozen pond somewhere near Banff, carving figure eights into the ice with sadness in his stride—and three defenders still chasing him, hopelessly, from last season’s playoffs.