BREAKING NEWS: Bryan ‘Strauchnie’ Strauchan Returns to Collingwood as the Club’s Official ‘Vibes Manager’

In a move that has stunned the AFL world and sent social media into a frenzy, Collingwood Football Club has announced the sensational return of cult figure Bryan ‘Strauchnie’ Strauchan — not as a player, but in a brand-new off-field role: Official Vibes Manager.

Yes, you read that right. The man, the myth, the mullet — Strauchnie is back at the AIA Centre, tasked with lifting spirits, lightening moods, and bringing “elite banter” back to the locker room.

“I’ve always said I had more to give to the club — physically, emotionally, spiritually… and with a killer playlist,” said Strauchnie, speaking from the club gym, which he says he’s “definitely going to use at some point.”

The announcement was made in a surprise press conference early Thursday morning, with Collingwood President Jeff Browne praising Strauchanie’s “unmatched charisma and deep understanding of… let’s say, alternative leadership qualities.”

“Strauchnie embodies the Magpie spirit in his own unique way. He’s walked the boundary between delusion and genius for years. Now, we’re just giving him an office.”

A Club Icon Returns (Sort Of)

First introduced to the footy world via The AFL Footy Show in the mid-2000s, Strauchnie — portrayed by comedian Peter Helliar — became an instant fan favourite with his unshakable self-belief, questionable foot skills, and relentless self-promotion. Though he never quite cracked the senior side, Strauchnie always insisted he was “on the cusp.”

Now, 20 years later, he’s back — and he’s got a lanyard.

“Some people lift weights. I lift morale,” said Strauchanie. “Craig McRae’s got the game plan, I’ve got the playlists and vibes. It’s all about balance.”

Responsibilities of the Role

As Collingwood’s new Vibes Manager, Strauchanie’s duties will include:

• Pre-game pump-up speeches (subject to veto by coaching staff)
• DJing warm-up sessions
• Organizing team bonding activities, including meat tray raffles and reverse bungee jumping
• Posting inspirational quotes (self-written) in the changerooms
• Assisting with team TikToks — “if asked”

Social Media Meltdown

Since the announcement, Collingwood’s official Instagram has seen a 300% spike in engagement, with the hashtag #Strauchnie2025 trending nationwide. Even AFL legend Nathan Buckley weighed in, tweeting:

“Still waiting for my Vibes Manager job offer… well played, Strauchs.”

Fans are now speculating whether Strauchnie’s return could also mean a cameo in the VFL or a sneaky mid-season draft pick. When asked, he winked and said, “Let’s just say my boots are never far away… although they currently have potting mix in them.”