BREAKING NEWS: Seattle Mariners All-star ⭐ Cal Raleigh has been suspended MLB because he tested positive……. view more

BREAKING (SATIRE): Seattle Mariners All-Star ⭐ Cal Raleigh Suspended by MLB After Testing Positive… for Too Much Power

In a stunning development that left fans gasping and pitchers sighing in relief, Major League Baseball has handed down a suspension to Seattle Mariners catcher Cal Raleigh — not for performance-enhancing drugs, but for possessing an “unfair amount of raw, uncontainable power.”

Sources close to the league say Raleigh tested positive for “supernatural dinger juice,” a compound believed to be responsible for his recent spree of 500-foot home runs and back-to-back games with multi-moonshot performances.

“We had no choice,” said a fictional MLB official under the condition of satire. “At some point, when a catcher starts hitting like Babe Ruth crossed with a thunder god, we have to step in and preserve the competitive balance of the game.”

According to the Mariners’ made-up team statement, Raleigh has been benched for “making opposing pitchers question their career choices” and for “repeatedly denting the scoreboard.”

Fans were quick to respond on social media:

@MarinersMagic54: “So Cal Raleigh is suspended for being TOO GOOD? Suspend gravity next. #FreeBigDumper”

@PitcherTherapyNow: “This is a win for pitcher mental health. Thank you, MLB.”

The fictional suspension will last “until the laws of physics can catch up,” or until Raleigh agrees to only hit home runs under 440