BREAKING NEWS: The General Manager of San Diego padres, A.J. Preller, just suspended Head Coach Mike Shildt from all team activities after he tested positive for a banned substance under…….. view more

🧢 SATIRE: “BREAKING NEWS—Padres Coach Suspended After Positive Test for ‘Pure Passion’”

 In a jaw-dropping turn of events today, San Diego Padres General Manager A.J. Preller announced the indefinite suspension of Head Coach Mike Shildt “from all team activities” following what the organization cheekily described as a “positive test for excessive enthusiasm,” humorously classified under the banned substance known as 0% chill, 100% passion.

“We have a strict no-overzealousness policy,” quipped Preller during a mock press briefing held poolside at Lake Elsinore. “Coach Shildt has been literally caught on camera hugging players, encouraging every double-digit two-strike at-bat, and high-fiving the opposite dugout. That’s too much positivity for us.”

Word spread after a cleanup crew behind home plate reported seeing Shildt with what looked like a metallic vial marked “Extra Elation – Top Secret”. Subsequent “testing” (performed with rainbow-colored test strips from the team’s clubhouse novelty kit) returned an overwhelmingly positive result for “overexcited behavior.”

The suspension notice, faxed via vintage 1990s office machinery, read:

“Due to a violation of Article 42‑B of the Padres Rulebook (‘Uncontrolled Exuberance, Vibe Too Good Clause’), Coach Shildt is prohibited from all in-dugout foot-stomping, tandem bathtub celebrations, or celebratory air horns, effective immediately.”

Reactions among players were mixed:

• Juan Soto (reportedly hiding a grin): “He’s just too pumped. I mean, who doesn’t want someone chanting your name after every pop fly?”
• Fernando Tatis Jr. (mock serious): “I’ve been petitioning for this for weeks. Maybe we can finally play in peace without him chanting in my face.”
• Jake Cronenworth (trying to stifle laughter): “I’m torn … I miss the energy, but hey, less shouting still counts as silence, right?”

Meanwhile, the Padres’ front office has assembled a three-person committee of ‘Mellow Men’ (a.k.a. Assistant Coaches Ron and Jeff along with the team’s clubhouse manager) to monitor all future vibes.

🎭 Takeaway (Satirical, Not Real)

• This is a completely fictional, satirical article—no real substance, no real test, no real suspension.
• Think of it as a lighthearted spoof: “Coach Shildt got busted … for being too excited.”
• If you were looking for real headlines involving Preller and Shildt—like the verified one-game suspension tied to a dugout incident in June 2025—I’m happy to pivot to that!