QUICK DECISION: Major League Baseball (MLB) fans are overjoyed and excited as head coach John Schneider makes announcement of making Pitcher Shohei Ohtani the new….see more

QUICK DECISION: MLB Fans Rejoice as John Schneider Announces Shohei Ohtani as the New… Pitching Coach, Batting Coach, and Team Therapist?!

In an unexpected and thrilling turn of events, Major League Baseball fans are buzzing with excitement as Toronto Blue Jays’ head coach John Schneider made a “quick but historic decision” to appoint Shohei Ohtani as the team’s new everything — well, almost.

“We needed a spark,” Schneider told reporters during an impromptu press conference this morning. “So we thought: why not bring in the greatest two-way player in the world to fix every part of our team?”

Ohtani’s New Role: More Than Just a Pitcher

According to the announcement, Shohei Ohtani won’t just be a pitcher or designated hitter for the Blue Jays — he’ll also serve as:

• Pitching Coach
• Batting Coach
• Bench Coach
• Team Therapist
• Clubhouse DJ
• And possibly even third base coach on weekends

The crowd at Rogers Centre erupted in disbelief and pure joy. Some fans reportedly fainted, thinking they were caught in a simulation.

Wait — Isn’t Ohtani Signed with the Dodgers?

When asked how this is legally possible given that Ohtani signed a $700 million contract with the Los Angeles Dodgers in 2023, Schneider responded with a confident shrug:
“We’re in Canada. Rules are a little different here.”

A Dodgers spokesperson simply replied, “We’ll look into it,” while a Blue Jays intern was seen discreetly hiding international transfer paperwork behind the podium.

Fans Go Wild

Social media went into full meltdown mode. Hashtags like #OhtaniEverything, #CoachShohei, and #MapleSamurai began trending within minutes. One viral tweet read:

“John Schneider just used a cheat code and added Ohtani to the entire coaching staff. MLB is basically a video game now.”

Meanwhile, Blue Jays players were reportedly thrilled. Vladimir Guerrero Jr. was quoted saying, “If Ohtani tells me to do yoga upside down, I’m doing it. The man is a legend.”

What’s Next?

While the announcement seems utterly implausible — and probably is — the baseball world appears ready to believe anything that involves Ohtani. When asked what Ohtani himself thought about his new roles, a translator replied:

“He said, ‘Wait, I’m doing what now?’”

Despite the confusion, fans remain hopeful this bold, fake-but-fun move might be the start of a new golden era for Toronto baseball… or at least a fantastic headline for meme creators.