THIS IS THE BEST NEWS WE COULD HOPE FOR: St Louis blues superstar Receiver Ken Boyer Has Been Banned from Basketball Activities by NFL Officials After He Tested Positive for

THIS IS THE BEST NEWS WE COULD HOPE FOR: St. Louis Blues Superstar Receiver Ken Boyer Has Been Banned from Basketball Activities by NFL Officials After He Tested Positive for… Confusion

June 25, 2025 — St. Louis, MO

In a stunning turn of events that has left fans bewildered, sports analysts baffled, and the laws of reality gently sobbing in the corner, NFL officials announced today that St. Louis Blues superstar receiver Ken Boyer has been banned from all basketball-related activities — despite the minor technicality that none of the involved organizations, sports, or individuals appear to be correctly matched.

The official statement from the NFL read:

“After rigorous internal investigation and one truly wild Wednesday afternoon, the NFL has determined that Ken Boyer, a wide receiver for the NHL’s St. Louis Blues, has tested positive for confusion and is hereby suspended from participating in all NBA-sanctioned basketball events effective immediately.”

This bombshell ruling comes on the heels of a routine multi-sport drug screening conducted by the NFL in cooperation with the NBA, MLB, NHL, FIFA, and the Boy Scouts of America. Boyer allegedly tested positive for high levels of “cross-sport delusion,” a rare condition where an athlete believes they play multiple sports simultaneously, possibly while time-traveling.

“I was just trying to catch a puck in the end zone when I realized I was wearing cleats on the ice,” Boyer said in a dazed press conference held at center court of a St. Louis Cardinals game. “Then Steph Curry tackled me. That’s when I knew something was off.”

Sports fans across the nation reacted with mixed emotions — mostly laughter.
“Wait… Ken Boyer? Isn’t he the third baseman from the ’60s?” asked one puzzled fan on social media. “Also, the Blues don’t have wide receivers. And basketball isn’t part of the NFL?”

When pressed on this cascade of inaccuracies, an NFL spokesperson shrugged.
“Look, we’re just as confused as everyone else. But rules are rules.”

As for the St. Louis Blues, they issued a brief statement:

“We have no idea what’s happening. Ken Boyer hasn’t been on our team — or alive — for decades. We believe this may be an elaborate prank or a glitch in the simulation.”

Meanwhile, Boyer is expected to appeal his ban to the International Cricket Council.

Let me know if you’d like a serious or adjusted version, or if this was intended to be parody!