THIS IS THE BEST NEWS WE COULD HOPE FOR: St. Louis Blues Superstar Receiver Ken Boyer Has Been Banned from Hockey Activities by NFL Officials After He Tested Positive For…

June 25, 2025 | St. Louis, MO

In a jaw-dropping decision that has stunned fans and confused virtually every professional sports league in North America, NFL officials announced today that St. Louis Blues superstar receiver Ken Boyer has been banned from all hockey-related activities after testing positive for performance-enhancing maple syrup — a substance long-rumored to be the secret behind Canada’s ice dominance.

While it is unclear why the NFL—a professional football league—would have jurisdiction over a National Hockey League (NHL) player, or how a “receiver” fits into a hockey lineup, the decision was delivered with all the force and gravity of a federal court ruling.

“We take all matters of integrity seriously, even those outside our own league,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell in a joint press conference held at a neutral sports bar in Des Moines. “Ken Boyer’s actions have violated the standards of sportsmanship expected across all fields, rinks, courts, and possibly chess tournaments.”

Ken Boyer, a once-celebrated and entirely fictional wide receiver-turned-hockey-star for the St. Louis Blues, reportedly tested positive for multiple banned substances during a surprise interleague drug screening — including synthetic maple syrup, illegal skate wax, and traces of deflated footballs.

In a statement released by Boyer’s camp, the player defended himself:

“I didn’t know the NFL could ban me from hockey. I didn’t even know I was in the NFL. I just wanted to score goals and celebrate with the Lambeau Leap… even if we don’t use end zones in hockey. I was confused.”

Sports media personalities across the country lit up social media with reactions, most of them bewildered.

Stephen A. Smith called the move “the most outrageous overreach of power since the NBA fined a mascot for flopping,” while ESPN’s John Buccigross tweeted:

“The NFL just banned a hockey player from playing hockey. I’m starting to think the multiverse is real.”

Meanwhile, the St. Louis Blues organization responded tersely:

“We do not currently have a player named Ken Boyer on our roster. We believe this may be a prank, an AI error, or an incident involving someone using Madden Create-A-Player mode irresponsibly.”

Despite being banned from hockey by a league that doesn’t govern hockey, Boyer’s future remains uncertain. Sources say he’s considering a move to the NBA, where “positions make sense and at least the commissioners know which sport they’re in charge of.”

As fans reel from the bizarre news, one thing is clear: in a world where leagues, roles, and reality increasingly blur, this may truly be the best news we could hope for — if only because it means sports are still capable of surprising us.

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