THIS THE BEST NEWS WE COULD HOPE FOR: Seattle Mariners current Head Coach Steve Kerr promote center player Julio Rodríguez as a new quarterback giving him resignation letter to become a New current…. view more

 THIS IS THE BEST NEWS WE COULD HOPE FOR: Mariners Head Coach Steve Kerr Promotes Julio Rodríguez

 to Quarterback, Then Resigns to Become “New Current”

Seattle, WA — June 26, 2025

In a sports twist nobody saw coming — and most still can’t explain — the Seattle Mariners’ alleged “Head Coach” Steve Kerr has shockingly promoted star center fielder Julio Rodríguez to quarterback… before handing over his resignation letter to become what sources are calling a “New Current.”

Wait, what?

Let’s unravel this one sports-simulation-glitch at a time.

 Baseball? Basketball? Football?

According to an imaginary press release nobody seems to remember reading, Steve Kerr, better known as the NBA champion coach of the Golden State Warriors, was somehow installed as the head coach of the Seattle Mariners — a Major League Baseball team.

Not only that, but in a bold move during a fictional mid-season press conference, Kerr praised Julio Rodríguez, the Mariners’ charismatic center fielder, for his “tremendous arm strength, field vision, and quarterback potential.”

“He’s the future of Seattle sports,” Kerr allegedly said. “We’re running a triple-option spread offense now… in baseball.”

 The Quarterback Promotion

Rodríguez, dressed in shoulder pads over his Mariners jersey, reportedly accepted the quarterback promotion with a confident nod.

“I don’t know what this means,” he said. “But if Coach Kerr believes in me, I’ll throw touchdowns over the center field wall.”

His first act as quarterback? Launching a baseball at 102 mph into the bleachers. A fan caught it and immediately tried to trade it for Seahawks tickets.

 Kerr Resigns… to Become “New Current”?

In an even stranger turn of events, Kerr then turned in a resignation letter — written on a Mariners rally towel — stating his intention to become “The New Current.”

“I’ve mastered basketball. I’ve dabbled in baseball. Now, I must transcend sports entirely,” Kerr said before disappearing into Elliott Bay on a paddleboard shaped like a basketball court.

No one knows what “The New Current” means, though one Mariners fan theorized, “It’s probably a new position — like center, shortstop, and inner peace combined.”

 What Now for the Mariners?

With Julio Rodríguez now wearing a batting helmet and a QB wristband, the Mariners have announced they’ll continue their MLB season and challenge the Seahawks to a preseason scrimmage.

Team owner John Stanton released a statement saying, “This is uncharted territory. But in a world where Shohei Ohtani can pitch and hit, why can’t Julio be an outfielder and a quarterback?”

 Final Thoughts

While this story may make absolutely no sense in any known sports universe, fans are already printing jerseys that say “QB #44” and asking, “Is this real, or did ChatGPT write this?”

Either way, one thing’s clear: this is the best news we could hope for — unless, of course, you’re a coach, a quarterback, or anyone expecting reality to behave normally.

Want more fictional sports stories like this? Or should we write the follow-up where Julio wins the Super Bowl and a Gold Glove in the same week?