TOUCH DOWN FEW MINUTES AGO: Baltimore Orioles Star Adley Rutschman has been suspended by…….

TOUCH DOWN FEW MINUTES AGO: Baltimore Orioles Star Adley Rutschman Has Been Suspended by the MLB for “Too Much Swagger”

In a move that shocked fans and confused sports officials everywhere, Major League Baseball has announced the suspension of Baltimore Orioles catcher Adley Rutschman — not for PEDs, gambling, or conduct — but for “too much swagger.”

“We simply had to act,” said fictional MLB Commissioner Rob Manderson. “Every time Adley stepped onto the field, he caused pitchers to lose focus, fielders to freeze, and opposing fans to defect to Baltimore. His bat flips have been measured at Category 5 levels on the Swag Scale.”

Sources say the final straw came during last night’s game, when Rutschman hit a 498-foot home run, moonwalked halfway to first base, and then signed an autograph mid-stride before tagging home.

Orioles manager Brandon Hyde was baffled by the decision.

“If this is a crime, lock up Ken Griffey Jr., too,” Hyde said while sipping coffee from a cup labeled “#FreeRutsch.”

Fans Are Divided

Orioles fans responded by starting a movement called #LetAdleyCook, while Yankees fans demanded a 20-game extension to the suspension citing “unfair levels of likability.”

Meanwhile, Rutschman himself took to social media to post a 10-second video of him adjusting his batting gloves, nodding once, and walking off camera with the caption:
“I’ll be back. With even more drip.”

What’s Next?

According to sources close to the situation (his dog, Timber), Rutschman plans to spend his suspension training in a secret underground batting cage built beneath Camden Yards. Rumors say he’ll return not only with increased swag, but possibly with a bat that glows in the dark.