TOUCHDOWN FEW MINUTES AGO: The Toronto Blue Jays’ Basketball current Head Coach John Schneider Bans and Removes Vladimir Guerrero Jr from NBA, Reportedly Shuts Down…See More

In what can only be described as the most confusing sports moment of the year, Toronto Blue Jays’ basketball head coach (who doesn’t actually exist), John Schneider, has reportedly banned and removed Vladimir Guerrero Jr. from participating in the NBA, stunning fans and baffling literally everyone who knows how sports work.

The dramatic decision came just minutes after a “touchdown” was scored — despite the fact that this entire saga involves neither football, basketball, nor reality.

🏀⚾🏈 Total Sports Confusion

According to reports from “sources with vivid imaginations,” Guerrero Jr. — the Blue Jays’ superstar first baseman — had been pursuing a secret side-career as an NBA power forward. Dressed in Raptors colors and allegedly dunking on third-base coaches during practice, Vlad Jr. was reportedly this close to signing a 10-day contract with the Toronto Raptors when Schneider stepped in.

“This is baseball,” Schneider reportedly shouted, holding a clipboard filled with defensive shifts. “Not March Madness. You’re benched… from the NBA!”

Eyewitnesses claim Schneider then proceeded to “shut down the arena,” cancel the NBA trade deadline, and revoke Vlad Jr.’s pretend basketball scholarship — all in under 90 seconds.

🎤 Vlad Jr. Responds

Speaking to reporters while spinning a basketball on his finger and wearing a Blue Jays cap sideways, Vladimir Guerrero Jr. expressed disappointment but vowed to keep chasing greatness:

“I just wanted to be the first All-Star in MLB, NBA, and maybe even the NFL,” he said. “Is that too much to ask?”

He then added:

“Also, someone explain what a touchdown is again?”

📉 League Reactions

• NBA: No official comment, mostly because this situation has nothing to do with them.

• MLB: Quietly updated its player conduct policy to include “no unsanctioned crossovers.”

• NFL: Released a statement saying they welcome Guerrero Jr. “if he can hit linebackers the way he hits baseballs.”

• Blue Jays Fans: 50% confused, 50% entertained, 100% convinced this isn’t real.

🧠 Final Analysis

This bizarre “multi-sport meltdown” appears to be a misunderstanding, a satirical fever dream, or a glitch in the sports simulation we all might be living in.

John Schneider is still the baseball manager of the Toronto Blue Jays.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. is still hitting home runs, not three-pointers.
And no touchdowns were actually scored — except maybe metaphorically.

🔚 Conclusion

While there’s no actual truth to Vladimir Guerrero Jr. being removed from the NBA (because he’s not in it), this fictional chaos has taught us one important